I believe in second chances and third and many more when it comes to
forgiving. Fathers play a crucial role in a child's life. In America,
statistics say that one in three homes live in biological father
absent homes. I was one of those three. I didn't have the privilege to
have my father with me as I grew up. Lots of tears, anger and fear
would come and go as a consequence from that.
My father has reached
out to me several times now and every single time I doubt that he's
really sorry, or that he actually regrets what he did, what he neglected. I say
"ok" and just listen to what he has to say so that the "hang up" part
comes and the conversation can end. My attitude is cold and I try to
hold it together so I can simply move on with my life (because
honestly it hurts to be re-living it all over again). The question is:
have I forgiven my father for not being there when I actually needed
him? When my mom would struggle to pay rent or when my sister would
consistently ask if dad would be coming home soon? My feelings and
flesh say no to forgiving and always will because as humans we tend to
cover up and put up walls to things that hurt us. I figured not too
long ago that covering things up and avoiding them is not quite the
way to get by in life. Saying that God is my father and always will be
is true but that doesn't take away the reality of my life: I had no
earthly father for a good chunk of my life.
Don't get me wrong, I am
more than thankful for receiving the gift of believing in Jesus as my
God and father. The Gospel's wonderful news is that I am now an adopted
child of God. What I think happens to me at times is that I am aware
of the gift but I don't embrace it as my own. Why? Well because if I
believe in a God who has saved me, forgiven me, and redeemed me then I
should be extending that same gift to others regardless of what
they've done. Easier said than done right? I know.
I am so glad it is not in my own strength and power that I need to
forgive others. SO glad. If I did that, I would have given up a long
time ago and redemption would never happen in my life.
I am thankful that the power and strength to forgive comes from Him and my reason to
forgive is because I have been forgiven and loved first. May that be a
catalyst to embrace and forgive.
I also know what it is to hurt someone and have done it several times.
I know what it feels to ask for forgiveness and be told "I can't
forgive you right now". I know what it feels like to be genuinely
sorry for something and have to carry the guilt of what I did because
it's been made clear to me that forgiveness has not been extended to
me.
As I thought about these instances, I thought of my father's
situation. I thought about him as a person who must carry that burden
daily because he wonders if he's been or ever will be forgiven. I
imagine the feelings he has when I give him a cold "yes" for the time he asks for forgiveness. Whether the man deserves to be forgiven by me or not is not up to me. I mean, I've been forgiven by a holy God who chose to forgive me. I'm not a father who abandoned his children, but I am someone who has made mistakes in life and continues to sin on a daily basis. If it wasn't for the Lord's mercy and grace, who knows how my life would be.
I do want to clarify that forgiving is not forgetting. Sometimes things that we have done or that have been done to us have short or long term effects; and we live with it. Forgiveness might look different to you as you see how I deal with it on this journey with my father, and it might look different to me as I see how a wife/husband forgives his/her unfaithful spouse. Just because I'm saying all these things does not mean that I have forgotten what it feels like to not have had a father when I speak to him over the phone. Forgiveness is not just saying you forgive, it also has a practical aspect to it.
What it practically looks like for me is when I speak to him over the phone I am intentional about listening to what he has to say and drop my "cold" attitude. It means that that I embrace his feelings and take them seriously. Maybe you are dealing with it differently because all cases are different. Regardless of what your case might be, if you know the Lord, He knows your heart and will be working in your life as your eyes are opened to His Gospel and his forgiveness toward you. May that be your hope. May you embrace His forgiveness over what we've been wronged with first. This late Father's Day post is simply me attempting to take a step further into forgiving my dad and embracing him as a person. I believe that there are many out there who have grown up without an earthly father and wanted to share a bit of my experience with you today.
I believe in second chances, and third and many more. Despite the outcome. I know who I am and in whom I believe.
Happy Father's Day, Dad!
Been there before and sometimes constantly feel like I haven't forgiven mine either. I used to use the gospel as my crutch to deal with life. Use the fact that God is my father as I dont need another one and its ok if my earthly father doesn't want to be one. It wasn't until a few years back that I was talking to a friend and he made me realized that I had not forgiven my earthly father for his absence. Now, that I am an adult he is constantly asking for an opportunity without actually asking. Now, that he is seeking for redemption is the hardest thing for me to do because I spent my whole life with a crutch (and even crutches are hard to leave behind, because it's just easier). Talking with my husband, he made me see that all I need to do is talk to him and let him know what I think so that he can better know how to approach me. He doesn't know me... so he is just walking around in the darkness trying to find the switch that will turn the light on. So then I started to think, maybe I am just scared of getting hurt again or to just let him in. We are programmed to watch for danger and we learned from experiences (most of them) to not make the same mistake. Like when we play with fire and get burned, that experience will remain in your memory and you will no longer play with it again.
ReplyDeleteIt is on our hands to reset our memory, with the help of God, but consciously let ourselves out there. Even if we are fearful or doubtful but intentionally reset it so that we can actually forgive. God will help us but only if we work with him. I haven't had that talk yet, Im still fearful but I guess I just have to let the love of the Father take away all fear. That even takes it to a whole deeper level. Are we actually allowing the Lord to heal that specific wound?
Its a process...